NEW BLOG!

I will no longer be posting at this blog. This is my last post. I will delete the account in a month.
The location of the new blog is here.
http://erinmerryn.hcibooks.com



Erin Merryn

If these pictures could talk

The story they carry

LIVING FOR TODAY

Today is the official publication date of Living For Today. Find it in your local bookstore now.

May it reach into the souls of those who are trying to heal and may it way up a society that has hushed this silent epidemic far too long. I hope you will help me make some noise by putting a face and voice on sexual abuse and not ignoring it.
I am beyond surviving......I'm thriving!

Living For Today
Erin Merryn

The night before the official publication of "LIVING FOR TODAY"

The image above is the first page of ideas that I poured on paper in June 2006 for the book that would turn into my second book Living For Today. I remember that night sitting in bed jotting down my thoughts for my 2nd book and what first came to my mind when I was asked to write a second book. Little did I know the journey this book would take me on. A journey of many sleepless nights in front of a computer screen pouring my soul out and chapters unfolding as I wrote. It is crazy to open this up and read these first few ideas I jotted down. The message about "It's never too late to break your silence, break your silence today." I was writing this in June 06 and here I was not reading my own message right in my face. I was still carrying silence. I get chills just reading that now.

"Live by the saying what does not kill me makes me stronger." I strongly stand by that sentence. Because I have learned if you stay weak and allow evil to consume you it will eventually kill you. It nearly killed me.

What I want anyone reading this to know is anything is possible if you do not give up. I am often asked how I became an author at a young age. It was because through determination, strength, tears, and faith I did not give up and turned my own journal or jotted thoughts into a message for millions to dive into and understand they are not alone. If you have a dream or vision go after it. If you go after it and do not give up you can accomplish it. Believe me when I say that. You may hit bumps in the road to getting that dream or vision accomplished but if you keep on pushing along you will see success.

There were many chapters of writing Living For Today that I honestly did not want to share with the public because of what people would think of me:

• Being judged for speaking out yet at the same time still holding onto a dark chapter
• Questioned why I could put myself at a young age in harms way over and over again
• Overcoming self-injury in high school only to fall into an eating disorder in college that consumed my life for 3 1/2 years.
• My faith and ability to forgive
• Praying for God to protect the evil men in my past

Looking back now all that matters to me is how much healing I discovered when I made the choice to address those chapters I wanted to avoid letting the public in on. There are going to be those who will have their nasty opinions of Living For Today and I have decided not to allow people from my past keep me from from my mission. People are entitled to their opinion and I know there are people out there outside those related to me that will also judge me for going public and guess what...... I do not care! Because I know far greater things will come out of Living For Today through my message that will allow people in pain to find a door forward not back.

As I think back on that first night I began jotting down my thoughts for my 2nd book 3 years ago I now think about the people who are sitting up in bed tonight, tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year who are reading Living For Today and I hope the pain they wrestle with will find through the chapters of Living For Today hope, healing, peace, and God.



God Bless and Good Luck!

Thoughts on Living For Today

There are things I have avoided talking about on my blog for over a year now because much of it would make no sense to anyone since it would relate to things people don't know about me. Now with my 2nd book Living For Today arriving on the doorsteps of homes and being placed on the shelves of bookstores now. The actual publication date is November 2nd. It is a date I have been looking forward to. It's like watching something come to life and so much came to life in writing Living For Today. It is like putting a face and voice on conquering evil because that is what I feel I have done. At least the evil in my life not the evil that society stays silent to. Which is why I conquered this evil by going public with it to WAKE people up to what is really going on in this world. Just because you live in a community with little or no crime does not me evil is not lurking on your street or in the walls of your home. I feel compelled to discuss somethings I share in Living For Today. Questions people may have when reading it or questions people may ask me when they finish it.

For starters those who ask me how I did it? How I got to the place of Living For Today the truth of the matter is I could not have done it without my faith in God. If I did not have God in my life no one would know my life story besides those closest to me and the outcome would be much different. It is almost scary to think of what a different person I would be. You would not be reading a book of discovering forgiveness, empathy, peace, and strength. The inspiration people pour out to me in letters that they have discovered in my first book and just got my first letter today about my 2nd book. You can thank me for taking a stand and showing people the path towards healing but in the big picture you need to thank God. He is 100% behind this all and without my faith in him I don't know who I would be. I am going to assume a very angry, bitter, person. He allowed me to find my voice in writing that eventually went to speaking. Writing Living For Today was like therapy for me. There are chapters that were far too difficult for me to speak about so I put pen to paper or fingers on the keyboard and let it just pour out of me. When the VP of my publishing company contacted me 3 1/2 years ago about writing a 2nd book I never in a million years imaged what was ahead of me and what would come out in those chapters. I wrestled with what turned into chapter 4 in Living For Today it was like a road block I came upon in writing that I could not keep writing anymore chapters until I addressed that chapter. I also had to prepare myself with the reaction of others who will read it. People may wonder why I waited so long to speak about it and could write an entire first book without every mentioning chapter 4. The truth is Chapter 4 was not haunting me it was buried. I was aware of it but did not allow it to surface because I knew if it surfaced it would begin to haunt me. Lesson I learned is everything from your past will one day surface better off deal with your baggage then bury it. Your only asking for trouble later.

Then I wrestled with this idea of not wanting the public to know this chapter of my life. Why would the person who I have become an outspoken survivor want to keep this chapter from the public eye. Well because of the circumstances of this chapter. I was afraid of being judged. I was ashamed of myself for not speaking up yet being so outspoken about the other chapters of my life. Most of all there was a question I still cannot answer about this chapter, why would I continue to put myself in harms way over and over again as a child? I beat myself up over this trying to find an answer but no answer would make sense to me. I finally came to my senses and realized I am looking at this chapter of my life from the adult perspective I am forgetting that I was just a 6,7,8 year old when this chapter happened. It is no different to children who stayed silenced do to fear and threats placed on them. While an adult who has been attacked may know the proper thing to do is go to the police a child who is being over powered by an authority figure, someone who majority of the time is larger then them, someone who is instilling fear and threats in them to keep them quiet does not know any better and often the power keeps them silent. So I took a gamble knowing those who do not understand sexual abuse or walked in my footsteps may judge the 6, 7, and 8 year old I was when reading Living For Today. I took that risk by allowing it to come to the surface and sharing it with the world. So what is it like to see that chapter now published. It is like a release something I have kept tucked away is now free at the same time it carries a painful reminder which is why I will only discuss chapters of my life where I describe the details of abuse for one soul purpose to be a face and voice on the silent epidemic of sexual abuse. I have no problem standing on a stage in front of 1000 people. It does not make me nervous the least bit. However it is no walk in the park for me to stand there and share the details of going back and opening up doors to my past I have since closed. But I continue to do it because going back and revisiting that pain in my life serves a purpose to rise above the evil and reach so many by taking people back to the days of a cousin locking me behind closed doors, or looking into the eyes of a crazed man. By letting those who hear me speak into those doors of my past in a sense I feel they either walk away with a stronger understanding of sexual abuse or I help them open the doors to their own pasts. I feel by speaking public I give others a push forward by having to go back themselves and deal with doors from their past. Which my hope will eventually allow them to be living fearlessly and fully for today. So in the big picture I feel the good out ways the bad of speaking public because I walk away knowing I let the voice that was told to be silent be heard yet again. It is the justice I have given myself. If I can bring others out of darkness It is worth it every time I get up to speak. We are all born with a purpose and I see mine as getting survivors to Live for Today and society to open their eyes of what is going on in our living world today. I have no doubt Living For Today will do just that.

2 weeks...Are you Living For Today

It's 2 weeks until the official launch of my 2nd book Living For Today. If you order it on Amazon you can get it early. However I suggest you go to your bookstore and order it and have them call you when it comes in. I have one favor to ask my blog readers out there. After you read it leave a review on Amazon, Barnes & Nobles, Borders...where ever you bought it. The other favor I have is tell someone about it. I promise you this is a book that can impact many especially those who are survivors of sexual violence.

I took a lot of personal risks in Living For Today there were chapters I wanted to hold back from sharing but I realized it would show so many out there that I am human. While so many have poured their souls out to me over the past 5 years telling me I am their hero, thanking me for being public, and giving them the courage to heal their life, I still had my own secrets I was carrying. I told myself over the past 5 years that I had the right to keep some secrets to myself, but this secret was going against everything I was speaking out on and soon I realized I was taking a stand to bring others out of the darkness and find their voice yet here I was still withholding a dark chapter of my own life. A chapter I share in Living For Today that sparked a whole set of other chapters in my life to develop. I guess I want people to learn from the choices I made and realize we have a voice for a reason and staying silent does you no good.

My biggest hope when someone reads Living For Today is that they will make the changes in their life to Live For Today or the steps in order to change the path your going down towards today and not the past. There is so much right now in my life I could be dwelling on, wrapped up in, consumed with that involves my past. If I allow myself to get caught up in that I am allowing to continue to stay stuck somewhere in the past and not the present. Allowing the past to have control over my happiness, joy, and peace. Who would want that kind of lifestyle? I could be consumed with questions I know deep down I might never get an answer to. So I stopped dwelling on those unanswered questions, stopped allowing the past flood my memory, and began taking the steps that led me to this place called: Today.

In order to get to that place of Living For Today I had to quit avoiding what I did not want to address and put my baggage on the table and deal with it. I had to let go and grieve the loss of many people I loved and realize incest not only stole my innocence but also took away the people I thought were family. I had to quit thinking I could bring people out of denial. I had to let go of that hope that these people that were once my family would change. Instead I learned to accept God put them in my life for 21 years for a reason and took them out of my life for a reason also.

These people that I once called family are not bad people they just choose to handle an awful position for any family to be in very different then the way I had hoped. I could question the rest of my life how can you support a family member that admitted while in police custody he sexual abused not one but two of his family members over a year and a half period and then disowned the two family members he abused.

Then I take a step back and realize he needs their support the two family members he abused do not. My sister and I (whose voice you will hear in the Prologue of Living For Today) have become so strong because of the circumstances we have experienced as children and adults. We are not the ones who have to carry any guilt, shame, or blame. Our cousin is the one who has to carry that the rest of his life. So in the big picture as I look at it I am glad he has them showering
him with support and love because he needs it...we don't. And I hope they continue to show him love and support because I think that is what keeps him going and I also think it's what just may keep him from ever making the same mistakes he showed my sister and I. The side of him I hope no one ever has to see.

It's getting late and I am a working woman now so I will end this post on two quotes that hold meaning to me.

"We need never be ashamed of our tears." -Charles Dickens

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, "I lived through this horror I can take the next thing that comes along." You must do the thing you think you cannot do."- Eleanor Roosevelt

New Job

Today was the start of my new job. The first job that isn't an internship where I will be putting the skills I learned in undergrad and grad school to work. More then that the skills I have learned in life that has caused me to become a better person and go into a field of helping people. I know without a doubt my past has influenced me to follow a path of helping others. The position I got hired for was not even an open position. After an interview with the director he opened a counseling position just for me. I work for a counseling agency that works with youth ages 11-18. They have all different positions from prevention, case manager, counseling, administrative, etc. I was hired as a youth and family counselor.

My boss described to me 16-18 hours a week I will be doing direct service. My main focus will be doing family counseling. The agency is family focused in not just working individually with youth but also involving the family because much of the time it's impacting what is going on at home, or home life is causing the issues in the youth. I really saw this a problem in my internship last year working in a high school. You do your end as the social worker in the school to help the student but you cannot get the parents to follow through at home causing the student to continue with the same behavior. By involving families I think that is the best approach dealing with all layers of the problems going on in the youths life. The individual counseling is important but dealing with the family as a whole is just as important and may be the main reason a problem continues in a home.

I will be involved in facilitating groups in the evenings from peer groups, to multifamily groups, etc. I am looking at working 2-3 evenings a week because most kids are in school and parents are working. That will be an adjustment for me to get used to.

The final piece to my job is doing some individual counseling and crisis intervention. Whether that is dealing with a situation at a school with a student that is in crisis that I would do an assessment on, or a call from a police department about a run away.

The other piece to my job as a youth and family counselor is being apart of the Journey program. The agency does a lot of wilderness therapy with the youth. Taking them on trips all over Ameria from the Grand Canyon, Alaska, Texas, Florida, Wisconsin, Canada, etc. The kids camp in the wilderness, rock climb, canoeing, swimming, hiking, etc. Some are short trips just weekends, others are week trip over Spring Break and then there are longer trips 20-30 days. Apart of that job is having the pleasure of being around youth that haven't showered in days including yourself. As I told my boss I was born without a sense of smell that won't be a problem at all. My boss is looking at wanting me to do 2-3 trips a year. What an adventure! :)

I have a bunch of training to do for this new job. A 7 day training and a 30 day training learning all the ins and outs of the different programs, of progress notes, computer info, paper work, program policy/manual, office equipment, emergency info, etc.

I have my own office and am really looking forward to getting that set up. I am so used to being an intern and sharing an office. Don't have to worry about finding space anymore and am looking forward to making a very inviting office. I am excited to see where this job takes me.


That is all for now.
If your keeping track 20 days until Living For Today is released. Hope you are ready to hit the bookstores and learn how to Live For Today.

Take Back The Night October 8th 2009

Western Illinois University 20th annual Take Back the Night.

Join Living For Today Facebook group

I have created a group on facebook called Living For Today. I hope you will join and encourage your other facebook friends to support my mission in breaking the silence of sexual abuse and helping survivors Live For Today.

http://www.facebook.com/inbox/?ref=mb#/group.php?gid=134805987630&ref=ts

In 5 years I have received thousands of letters since my first book Stolen Innocence was published but for the first time I heard from a mother whose son is a juvenile offender. The victim her young daughter. Her son is the same age my cousin was when he was charged. The difference between my situation and her situation is she is not in denial and is doing what I hope EVERY mother would do if they learned their teenager sexually abused someone. She got him into a sex offender treatment program and has started a support group for parents in her state who have juveniles that are offenders. Believe me there are MANY juvenile SEX OFFENDERS living in America and in OUR community and you just don't know it. I applaud this mother for still loving her son but holding him accountable. She is giving him a chance at being restored and hope for the future. Her son is currently living with relatives and away from his sister. Her letter is below.


We are in a situation right now that involves both of my children. I am encouraged by your drive to want to educate children. I am on the opposite side though. I am starting a support group for parents of juvenile offenders. My home town has several support groups for the victims but none for the offender’s family. I want to at some time educate juveniles that they could sexually assault someone, and give them the warning signs and educate them on the laws. I never knew that young boys have a higher chance of sexually assaulting as a juvenile. I have both of my children in counseling and we work through the sexual assault everyday. I am so lost, so often. I feel like if I support my son who is the offender I am not supporting my daughter, and vice a versa. We do not over look what our son did and in no way do I ignore it, we also want to make sure that he understands what he did was wrong and it will stay with his sister for the rest of her life. I hope that you continue to find peace with your venture and I wish you great success with your new book. I hope that you also do not feel that we are in the wrong for supporting our son. He is a part of us and I know someday he will help others understand the pain that sexual abuse can cause on others. Our son has been in a treatment program 2 weeks after the assault happened. He will appear in front of a judge in 3 weeks to find out what his sentence is. I have a large faith in God but some days I have doubts that he can heal our family. I am just trying to make a negative become a positive, and to help other families that have the pain that we have. And if we can help one child change there mind about sexually assaulting their sister, brother, cousin or friend it will be reward enough. Thank you for your time.

The man behind the mirror

I recently got in touch with the chief of my hometown police department. I described in my first book how we had a man from the police department that came in and taught us about stranger danger and saying no to drugs through DARE. However we never learned about what to do when it is not a stranger but when someone you know is hurting you. Especially when your are being threatened or silenced with fear.

In my second book I talk about my mission in life now to get programs in schools that educate children on sexual abuse. I feel it is the key to saving so many children from abuse. Think about it for a moment. Right now children in public schools are not educated on sexual abuse (safe touch, unsafe touch, safe secrets and how to say "NO" and seek out help if someone tries to hurt them)

I feel Children's Advocacy Centers where children are often sent across America after being abused are amazing places but why not educate children with the tools to protect them before they have to reach that center. Give them a voice before they need a reason to speak out on this subject. Educating children in schools on sexual abuse won't end children from being abused but it could give children the tools to PROTECT them. It is placing that gut feeling in a child to alert them on unsafe touches, secrets, and using their voice. What is even greater is while maybe an education program in schools won't save a child the first time they are abused it would give them the tools to speak up to a safe adult right away instead of staying silent for years or even decades like so many survivors do.

So today I met with the chief of the police department. We spoke for an hour and a half on this subject and he is going to get me in touch the Officer Friendly as we referred to him when we were in elementary school who goes into the schools and talks to the elementary and middle school students. He is an officer from the department whose fulltime job is in the schools. He also wants me to speak with their police social worker about my thoughts on this subject.

I also spoke with the Chief about my own experiences with how I feel these lessons could have saved me as a kid from staying silent for as long as I did. We spoke a bit on my first book and how police detective Mike Degiulio handled our case and got my cousin to confess. I shared with him how I applaud Degiulio who is now a Sergeant, in my next book for pulling the truth out of my cousin. Because for an entire month before he denied everything until detective Mike Degiulio sat across from him and got the truth. Something I will always be thankful for.
Sergeant Degiulio was the detective who sat on the other side of the mirror watching me during my interview at the Children's Advocacy Center. I never saw his face but he saw mine and watched my sister and I tell the details of what we were put through.

Years later when I went to publish my book I called the police department to speak with him. I wanted to know all these years later how he got the cousin that silenced, threatened me, and told me no one would believe me to confess to what he did. As detective Degiulio describe to me on the phone 5 years ago there was an approach he asked my cousin questions that pulled the confession out of him. As I sat and shared my gratitude with the Chief of police for Degiulio's work and how I have so much appreciation for a man I have never met. The Chief told me he would call his office and see if he was in today. He got on the phone and Sergeant Degiulio picked up. He told him I was there and asked him to come on down to his office.

So today I finally got to meet the man who gave my sister and I justice. The justice Degiulio gave us was pulling the truth out of my cousin. Holding my cousin accountable for his sick actions. I shook his hand and he sat down and talked with the Chief of police and I. I told him I finally get to meet him and put a face with his name. He told me that he had met me before nearly two years ago in passing when I was coming into speak with another detective about something unrelated to the case with my cousin. I didn't even know it because I had no idea what detective Degiulio looked like I had never seen him before only my own reflection in a mirror as I told the stories of what went on behind closed doors with my cousin. He made me remind him how many years ago it was that he handled our case and I told him 11. We both can't believe how fast time flies. While my cousin's name was changed Mike Degiulio reminded me that he still hasn't forgotten my cousin's real name or the case. One that he remembers because so many concerned relatives contacted him trying to get my cousin's confession to disappear. While I changed Sergeant Degiulio's name in my first book I used his real name in my second book. I don't feel I need to protect his identity as he is praised in my second book for his role in our case and someone I feel that should get credit for it by using his first name. I shared with him what I have done since publishing my first book and how I travel and speak out across the country on my story. A story he played a huge part in. The part where law enforcement does their job. The part where all survivors want the outcome I got....a confession.

Before leaving I told both the Chief of police and Sergeant Degiulio that I would be bringing in copies to both of them of my next book when it comes out in November. When I got up to leave Sergeant Degiulio walked me to the front doors of the police department and as I shook his hand goodbye he told me don't ever hesitate to contact me if you ever need to.

It was nice after 11 years to finally put a face with the man behind the mirror that I was so grateful for in having handle our case. A man that looked into the eyes of my cousin and saw the truth of what he did and got a confession.

Count Down

48 days until Living For Today is in stores.
http://www.amazon.com/Living-Today-Molestation-Fearlessness-Forgiveness/dp/0757314198/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1248288212&sr=8-3

I will be updating my website with more information shortly...book signings, etc.
I will also be creating a facebook group so if your not friends with me on facebook find me.
That is meant for those of you that support my mission and voice and not the snoopy people I know of that are in denial about what I speak out on that visit my blog frequently. I guess since they have no other contact with me and there interested in my life my blog keeps them informed.

I got contacted by a very famous talk show last week but there is no way that show will happen. Producers want people from my past to appear on the show and there is no way that would ever happen. I wouldn't even go there. The title of the show was called "Can this family be saved?" and as I told the producer....there is NO CHANCE of that happening.


Well it is a beautiful September evening and Ryan just pulled up. We are headed on a 12 mile bike ride. It's a perfect evening for it.

GOOD NIGHT!

Missing Piece I am Searching For

There is just one piece in my life that I am still searching for. A piece of my life that I once had that was taken from me. Where did it go? How do I get it back? It is lost somewhere out there and I am longing to have that ability back. It rips me apart inside and makes me pull away from those I am closest with because I cannot find this piece of my life.

I want it back but I don't know where to search. Just the thought of being able to have it apart of my life scares me and consumes me with doubt. Doubt that I won't be able to, fear that it will be taken again once I get it back. I question the people closest to me in my life because this one piece is missing, making me so very cautious.

I learned in my own life experience what I needed to go to conquer my past and live for today and that was through confrontation and forgiveness. I discovered that and it set me free. Now I just need this one remaining piece of my life back. I long for it. I would give anything just to have it back. I know it would make other areas of my life that much easier instead I am constantly questioning the people that surround me, so much doubt surrounds me.

Where did my ability to trust go? My trust was stolen and I am searching for the answer to get it back. I pray for that day I can write a book about how I got my trust back something that has been missing for many years I've lost track. I pray for that light bulb moment that I had when I was a junior in high school and confronted my cousin.

Now I pray for that moment that will bring me back my stolen trust. Because in this lifetime trust is a must and I don't trust you.